


Memories

by Katiebug445



Series: Memories [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katiebug445/pseuds/Katiebug445
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester met Gabriel Novak through his older brother, Dean. At first, the younger Winchester couldn't stand the thought of the other boy, but after getting to know him a little bit, things started changing and they soon fell in love.<br/>But all too soon, Dean and Gabriel are drafted to fight in the Vietnam war, where Gabriel is shot and killed before he can keep his promise to come back to Sam's waiting arms.<br/>Dean Winchester met Castiel Novak through Gabriel, and the older Winchester was basically smitten with him when they first laid eyes on each other. Castiel thought otherwise. It takes a little convincing from the older boy, but eventually, Castiel comes around and a deep and unconditional love forms between the two of them that withstands the tests that a war they shouldn't even be involved in brings their way.<br/>A fic about finding, losing, and regaining love, and moving on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Twist and Shout](https://archiveofourown.org/works/537876) by [gabriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriel/pseuds/gabriel), [standbyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/standbyme/pseuds/standbyme). 



> This fanfiction wouldn't exist if not for the pain and suffering caused by Twist and Shout, a fic which I highly recommend if you're looking for something that will rip your heart to shreds or you want to cry your eyes out and drown in the tears. I owe all credit to the authors of the original work, who captivated me with such a compelling and beautiful story that I had to do one of my own based off of their hard work and brilliance.  
> I would like to thank the authors of T&S for producing one of my favorite fanfictions of all time, and for finally inspiring me enough to write my own war-based AU.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't think dying would be so hard. I didn't think living would be so hard." - Elysian Fields; Casey Frazier.

It was just supposed to be a nice, Sunday drive with nothing but the road ahead of him, his life - temporarily - behind him, and the car around him. It was Veteran’s day, a day that made Sam’s heart feel like it was being stabbed repeatedly with one of the bayonets Dean brought back home as a souvenir from war.

It had been five years since Gabriel’s passing, although to Sam, it felt like, especially these days, that he was reliving the same couple days after it happened over and over again. Gabriel had been shipped off to Vietnam with Dean and was gunned down by a sniper just shy of two weeks before they would be sent back home. The day the letter arrived stating that Gabriel had been killed in action was a day Sam never forgot. He still had it somewhere, tucked away under his bed along with all of the other things that had belonged to the older boy; a spare key to his apartment, the medals and flag that Castiel brought, a letter to be given to Sam in the event of his death (which Sam still had not opened), some old records, among a few other things Castiel had given him that Gabriel had stated in his will that he wanted Sam to have - things that were special to both of them. And then there were things that Sam had saved over the course of their relationship: old movie ticket stubs, letters from Gabriel, cards… All the regular couple stuff.

He didn’t look at any of it, he didn’t like to think about any of it, and he sure as shit didn’t tell anybody he had it. Those were private things, just meant for their eyes only, and that’s how they were going to stay. Shaking his head, Sam flipped the radio on to try help clearing away his train of thought. Almost as if sensing his upset, the first thing he heard was John Lennon’s voice screaming through the speakers: _“Shake it up baby, now/Shake it up, baby/Twist and shout/Twist and shout”_

That brought about a pain inside Sam that felt like a knife twisting into his heart. Pulling off to the side of the road, the young Winchester pressed his forehead against the steering wheel of his car while a memory flooded his mind.

_“Come on, Sam!” Gabriel shouts gleefully over the music. He’s sitting on Sam’s lap, his hands clutching and pulling at the collar of his shirt as if that would force the much taller man up. “We’re not wasting a good song! Dance with me!”_

_Sam shakes his head and tries removing the bouncing and ever-hyper Gabriel from his lap, but to no avail. He simply will not be moved until he gets his way. “I can’t dance, Gabriel,” Sam replies, hoping that will get him to stop. But of course it doesn’t. Gabriel gets up and drags Sam up with him by the hands, a deadly smile on his lips._

_“_ _I’ll just have to teach you, then.” He loops his hands behind the taller man’s neck and drags his face down so he’s inches away from him and wiggles his eyebrows teasingly before planting a kiss on his lips. Sam pulls back and starts moving awkwardly around the small floor, which sends Gabriel tumbling into a fit of laughter."_ _You’re not doing it right, Sammikins!” He tells him. “Like this,” Gabriel starts dancing around the “right” way, all the while trying to lead Sam around too. Sam isn’t picking up on it right and ends up tripping over his own feet, which ends with himself and Gabriel on the floor, Gabriel laughing his tiny little ass off and Sam trying not to crush him with his weight. “I love you, Sam,” Gabriel says after he’s calmed down some._

_It catches Sam by surprise, Gabriel admitting that. It’s the first time either of them have said it, and the older boy looks so honest when he does it takes all hope of a response out of Sam for a few moments. He’s not exactly clear on what love even is yet, but he knows enough to think that he feels the same way. “I think I love you, too.” He replies, and then he leans down and kisses Gabriel in a way they’ve never done it before._

Sam didn’t know when he started crying, but he was after he brought himself back to the present, the pain in his chest throwing his heart around like a rag doll. “You weren’t supposed to die,” he whispered. “You were supposed to come back with Dean and we were supposed to spend our lives together.” He squeezed his eyes shut and more tears slipped down his cheeks. “You weren’t supposed to die over there!” He pounded his fist against the steering wheel and gave himself a moment to calm down before pulling back out onto the road and heading for home. It was time, he thought, to finally see what was inside that letter.

* * *

The entire way home, Sam was trying to talk himself out of reading it. He didn’t want to know what was inside it, he didn’t want to read the last words Gabriel would ever write to him, he wanted nothing to do with it. Because reading that letter, Sam thought, would be admitting to himself that Gabriel was gone. He couldn’t trick himself into thinking that he was still alive somewhere, he would finally have to accept that he was dead. 

Sam didn’t know if he was strong enough for that, but he knew deep down it was time to move on once and for all. 

Gripping the wheel tightly in his hands, he drove back home in silence. He wasn’t sure if Dean was home still or not, but he hoped to God he wasn’t, because this wasn’t something he wanted his brother walking in on.  _Let him be out with Castiel, let him be out with Castiel, let him be out with Castiel,_ he chanted in prayer in his head the last little bit of the drive. Thankfully, the house was empty when he got there, and a note from his brother was hanging on the refrigerator stating that he and Castiel would be gone for the evening to celebrate at a veteran’s ball, and that when they got home, they’d spend some time with him. 

Sam didn’t figure they’d be back for a long time, so he took advantage of this fact to say goodbye to the last little bit of Gabriel he had left. 

He made it up to his door before a strong wave of grief crashed over him and he crumpled to the ground, unable to go any farther without being reminded that once he did this, that was it. He wouldn’t be able to unread it, and he’d have to accept that Gabriel was never coming home. “Just do it,” he told himself. “You need to do it. You can’t keep living like this. It’s not healthy.” 

Sam got back to his feet and stepped into his room, pulling the box of Gabriel’s things out from under his bed. Inside were the medals Gabriel was awarded for his bravery and service, Gabriel’s letterman jacket that Sam had taken to sleeping beside when the other man had first been shipped off, the records Gabriel had insisted he have (Sam didn’t even know what they were. When Castiel had first given him the box, he didn’t look at what was inside it, just stuffed it under his bed where it stayed until now), and the goddamned letter.

Gingerly, Sam set the box on his mattress and sifted through some of the stuff. He pulled out a few pictures of the two of them, one of which, Sam remarked, was taken the day after Gabriel was fitted for his uniform. He was dressed in it, and Sam was beside him with tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He remembered that day. It was one of the last times he’d gotten to see Gabriel before he was shipped out. 

Next, he pulled out the records. There were three of them;  _Please Please Me_ by the Beatles,  _Just Once in My Life_ by the Righteous Brothers, and a single version of  _Earth Angel_ that Sam remembered Gabriel swiping from a Jukebox when they were out one night. Without thinking about what he was doing, Sam pulled the Righteous Brothers vinyl out and placed it in his record player. Moments later,  _Unchained Melodies_ was filling his room. Sam took a deep breath as he was hit with another memory, this one just a week before Gabriel was shipped off. 

_They’re sitting in Gabriel’s small little living room making half-hearted attempts at eating the meal Gabriel had went through the trouble of making for them. The mood was somber, Sam not feeling much up for talking, and Gabe was about ready to strangle him. The only sounds in the entire apartment were the scratch of the record playing in the background, and Sam’s fork scratching across his plate. “Come on, Sam,” he said after not being able to stand it anymore. “You’re acting like I’m already dead. Nothing is going to happen to me, you got it? I’m gonna come back, and we’re gonna take off from this place and move out to a little place in the middle of nowhere, and we’ll be able to act like a real couple. We won’t have to worry about somebody ratting us out and getting hurt. It’s gonna be okay.”_

_“But what if it does?” Sam asks, finally looking away from his plate, Gabriel notes, with tears brimming in his eyes. “What if something happens while you’re over there? What am I gonna do?”_

_Gabriel sucks in a deep breath and sets his own plate to the side, getting to his feet, and pulling Sam up with him. “Then we’re just gonna have to make the most of the time we’ve got left together now.” Once Sam is on his feet, Gabriel breaks away and sifts through the records he has on hand and pulls out one that Sam can’t see the title of, but knows the song as soon as it starts playing. “Dance with me, Sam.”_

_Oh my love/My darling/I’ve hungered for your touch/A long and lonely time/And time goes by so slowly/And time can do so much/Are you still mine?_

_“I know this song,” Sam remarks as Gabriel comes back over to him, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck and trying to keep his own worry and pain out of his eyes. “It’s one of my favorites.”_

_“Mine too,” Gabriel mumbles, burying his face in Sam’s shirt. “Though I didn’t peg you for a sappy song lover, Sammy. Not with that brother of yours.”_

_Sam chuckles and wraps his arms loosely around Gabriel’s waist. “Don’t let the exterior fool you one bit. Dean’s just as sappy as you are when he wants to be. You should see him when Cas gets into one of his Elvis kicks.”_

_At this, Gabriel smiles and glances up at Sam, love and trust burning brightly in his amber eyes. “Will you wait for me?” He asks so softly Sam almost misses the question._

_“Of course,”_

_“I love you, Sam. I always will.” The way Gabriel says it almost sounds like a goodbye._

_Sam can feel his lip wobbling, and bites down on his cheek to keep from crying. “I love you too, Gabe. And I will still when you come home.”_

_  
_Sam took a ragged breath and, after giving himself a moment to gather himself before digging through the box to find the letter, his hands shaking so hard he almost dropped it when he finally found it. He opened it gingerly, wanting to preserve it as much as possible, and extracted the paper that still smelled a bit like his boyfriend.

 **Sam,** it read,  **if you’re reading this, that means that you were right, and something happened to me over there. And if that’s the case, then I’m sorry I lied, and that we’re not going to get that house in the middle of nowhere and do all the things I promised we’d do.**

**Don’t be too upset about this, alright? You’re young, you’ve got a lot of life left to live. Cute kid like you, you’ll snag somebody else in no time. Someday, you’ll probably even forget I existed. Which really, I can’t say I’d blame you for. Get your ass to college. Make me proud and give me something to brag about on the other side to all the other saps stuck here with me.**

**Things will be okay for you. You’re gonna do some great things with your life, you hear me? You’re gonna make everybody proud, and while I wish I’d be around to be cheering you on, just know that wherever the hell I end up, I’m trying to start a Sam Winchester is #1 fan club.**

**I love you, Sam. I’ve loved you since the word ‘go’, and I want you to know that meeting and falling for you was the best thing that happened in my sad little life. You gave me a reason - other than Cas, that is - to live, and a reason to not be afraid while I’m over there. If this means ensuring that you’re safe, and not ever having to worry about falling asleep at night, then I’d gladly die for it. For you, and your safety.**

**If it just so happens that you’d wanna pick up where we left off when it’s your time - and I really hope that isn’t for a hell of a long time from now, Sam - I’ll be waiting for you at the gates to wherever we both end up. You’ll know me. I’ll be the one that’s jumping up and around trying to see everybody’s heads to try to find you. Shouldn’t be that hard to spot. Until that happens, though, promise that you’re going to live your life to the fullest, and live it with no regrets.** **I really hope you don’t have to end up reading this letter. God, I hope I get to make it back to your smiling face.**

**I love you, and I’ll see you on the other side, kiddo.**

**—Gabriel.**

Sam heard the soft  _plip_ of his tears hitting the paper, and folded the letter back up before it got completely destroyed. He curled himself around Gabriel’s letterman jacket, which still smelled faintly of the love of his life, and let himself get lost in the memories of their time together until well after 1:00 in the morning, when his sobbing finally petered off and he slipped into unconsciousness. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "None of this time was wasted on you, and I thought I was fine walking in these shoes.  
> And my lungs let out a breath and then I scream, as I lay here dying." - Elysian Fields; Casey Frazier.

Gabriel stared at the Polaroid of himself and Sam taken earlier that day and sighed heavily, hating the unfairness of life. He didn’t want to be ripped away from the younger boy, he didn’t want to run the risk of himself getting slaughtered over there, he just wanted to spend his golden years with Sam in a little house in the country off by themselves after Sam graduated from Stanford and became a successful lawyer. 

He didn’t want to write the letter, either, but he knew it needed to be done, for Sam to know those last little things in case he never got to tell him in person. Of course he hoped Sam already knew it, but in case he ever needed the little reminder… 

 _Unchained Melody_ filled the quiet space as he put pen to paper, writing whatever came to his mind at the time. His first draft was just ramblings, memories and reminders of things they’d done in their short time together. The next was pretty much a mushy goodbye that even Gabriel himself thought was a bit over done. By the third, he was crying. The fourth letter he wrote to Sam was the one he would give to Castiel before he was shipped out. Gabriel sealed it with a kiss and stuffed it into the box along with everything else his little brother was instructed to give to Sam in the event of his death. 

Gabriel spent the night getting his affairs in order, writing letters to various people that he would instruct Cas to give out if he were to die, and then finally wrote one for his little brother, which then left Gabriel a blubbery mess. He was thankful Castiel had decided to go out with Dean for the night, he didn’t want the kid to see him like this, at his lowest. 

He got to his feet after writing his last letter, placing it under all of the others that Castiel would have the duty of sending out. He only hoped he didn’t do it all at once, and end up sending out his own. Gabriel glanced up at a picture taken the night that Dean had given his little brother a ring, as a promise that he would come back to him after they won the war. Castiel looked so happy, standing next to Dean, like he belonged at his side… It gave Gabriel an odd feeling in his chest, a mixture of jealousy that he couldn’t do the same for Sam without raising too many questions from everyone, hope that Dean would be able to keep his promise, and worry for what would happen if neither of them made it back alive. “I love you, kiddo. I’m so proud of you.” he mumbled to the picture, giving it a tearful smile. 

As he lay in bed that night, a memory of just a couple weeks ago flooded to the front of his mind and Gabriel drowned in it. 

 _They’re all four sitting on and around Dean’s small little couch watching the drafting. Gabriel is sitting in Sam’s lap on the floor, his usual humor gone for the time being, and Castiel is sitting beside Dean on the couch, the older Winchester’s hand clutched in both of Castiel’s in a death grip_   _as they wait for the inevitable._  

_Gabriel’s name is called first, then Dean’s._

_Castiel gets up and heads into the kitchen, head bent over the basin of the sink and sobbing. Dean gets up to go to him, which leaves Gabriel to face Sam on his own. “It’s gonna be alright, Sam.” He promises, though his voice is a little hollow. “We’re both gonna come back. It’s gonna be okay.”_

_Sam only nods and motions for Gabriel to get up before doing the same thing himself. He leads the older boy back to his room where they can’t hear Castiel crying and Dean trying to console him, and sits down on the edge of his bed with blank eyes. “This isn’t real,” he whispers. “This isn’t happening to us,”_

_Gabriel sighs and takes a seat beside Sam, his hands resting on the taller boy’s shoulders as he starts rubbing them down. “We’ll be okay, Sam. Dean and I’ll watch each other’s backs over there. We’ll come home.” Although he’s not so sure if they will, he’s determined to fight his hardest to get back into Sam’s waiting arms._

_Sam doesn’t say much of anything, just turns so he’s facing Gabriel more and gives the older boy a look of complete horror and desperation that makes Gabriel’s heart break. “Sam…” He whispers, laying a hand on the younger Winchester’s knee and squeezing it gently. “I’ll be okay.”_

_Sam places his hand atop Gabriel’s and glances down at them quickly before turning back to face him, something new written on his face. “Make love to me,”_

_“Sam-“_

_“Please.”_

_Gabriel sits back and takes a deep breath as he considers it. Of course he would love to finally take that final step with Sam, but it’s a big step. He’s not sure if Sam is really ready for this, or if it’s just him saying things and not thinking them through. “You know it’s gonna hurt, don’t you?”_

_“Not as much as being separated from you and Dean while you’re over there.”_

_“I don’t have anything with me; condoms, lubrication…”_

_“I don’t care, Gabriel,” Sam says, feeling a bit irritated at Gabriel’s concern for him. “I want to be with you at least once before you leave.”_

_Gabriel sizes Sam up once before nodding and gently easing him back down onto his bed._ _He tries to be as gentle as he can with Sam, but he can still hear little noises of pain escaping his mouth every time he does something and Gabriel curses himself for going through with this now and not waiting until he was prepared for it. Sure, it still would have hurt some, but at least it wouldn’t have to be as rough._

_It’s the first of only a handful of times they get to spend together before Gabriel is shipped out, and while the others go a bit more smoothly, the first is the one Gabriel holds closest to his heart. The complete trust, the love, in Sam’s eyes… Those are the things that Gabriel knows will keep him even a little sane over there, knowing that that’s what he’s coming home to - if he makes it home._

_~~~~~~~~_

He spent the next day, Saturday, laying in bed with Sam, trying to keep the younger boy’s spirits up some and reminding him of some of their, as Gabriel likes to call them, “greatest hits” while The Righteous Brothers croon from the next room. 

“Those are the things I want you to remember while I’m gone,” Gabriel said eventually. “If you want to think about me, you think of those things. You don’t think about what’s happening over there. I don’t want you to think of me like that.” 

Sam exhaled and gave a small nod of his head, trying to keep himself together at least until he could get home. It hurt, being with Gabriel, knowing that their time was rapidly being cut short. “It’s not fair,” He whispered. “How can they make you and Dean go like this?” 

“Sam, don’t start with this. We have a duty to our country to fight to maintain our freedom. And if Dean and I are fighting to keep you and Cas safe, then I’d gladly go. And if I got to do it over, I’d still go.” 

Sam still didn’t look reassured, and if Gabriel was being honest, he looked a little worse than before he opened his mouth, so the older boy curled up at Sam’s side, his lips pressed against his ear, and whispered along with the music. “ _Lonely rivers sigh/’Wait for me’/’Wait for me’/I’ll be coming home/Wait for me._ I promise I’ll come back to you, Sam.” 

~~~~

It was supposed to be a simple raid to bring back a couple prisoners. Gabriel thought that it would be fine, they’d get the sons of bitches, take them back to HQ, and that would be it. After that, he and Dean could focus on getting themselves packed up and ready to get the hell out of Dodge and back home to the waiting arms of their men. Simple, easy. 

It would have gone completely fine if they hadn’t run across a scared replacement kid from Rhode Island that was scared of his own shadow. The kid came flying in from God knew where shouting and waving his gun around in a way that was pretty much a beacon for any enemy troops within a 10 mile radius. He flipped out once he saw they had the prisoners with them and, raising his gun, shot at them.

Gabriel turned just in time to see three more Vietnamese troops running in their direction before another shot rang out and he was dropped to the ground. 

The bullet at pierced his helmet and went right into his forehead, but didn’t kill him instantly. Instead, Gabriel got the chance to hear Dean shouting at the poor kid from Rhode Island, curse his mother, and come over to see if he could help. Gabriel’s eyes were shut by the time Dean reached him, little flashes of memories playing behind his closed lids. 

They were all of Sam; his smile, the way his eyes crinkled up if you could get him to laugh hard enough, the kindness and understanding in his eyes, that love and that trust that shone in them their first night together… As his breathing slowed, tears filled the corners of his eyes as his final thoughts turned to the fact that he’d lied, to Sam. He wasn’t coming back to him, he wasn’t going to get to see his smiling face again, it was over. 

With a small burst of strength, Gabriel reached out to take Dean’s hand and give it a final squeeze. With his last breath, Gabriel whispered the one thing that had always made him smile no matter what: “Sam,” 

The last thing Gabriel thought was of Sam’s smile on the night that they went for their first date before his world faded completely into black. 

* * *

This wasn’t supposed to happen to them. None of this was. They weren’t even supposed to have been together longer than just a few weeks. Just enough time to finish a Science project Dean needed help with, and then they could go back to not ever talking to each other. That’s what was supposed to happen, but it didn’t. 

Castiel could remember the first time he’d ever saw Dean, almost four years ago to the day, back when Gabriel had first started high school. 

Gabriel and Dean had bonded over a shared love of practical jokes, busty Asian women, and just a love for tormenting the snot out of their younger brothers until they wanted to put their own heads through the wall. They had become incredibly fast friends, and, even though it annoyed the hell out of the younger Novak that Dean was always helping Gabriel with new ways to pick on him, he was glad his older brother had finally found a friend that he could count on. 

Castiel’s first impression of Dean Winchester was, to be frank, a mixed one. On the one hand, he was drawn in by Dean’s bad boy charm, deep green eyes, and full-lipped smile that promised only the best kind of trouble. But on the other, he couldn’t get passed Dean’s tendency to be just as immature as Gabriel at the worst possible times, his lack of motivation when it came to his schoolwork, and most importantly, his beat to hell and back 1950’s Chevy truck that he could hear coming from twenty minutes away. The thing gave Castiel about as big of a headache as its owner did, and Dean purposefully revved the engine outside of their house when he showed up just to annoy him. It drove Cas batshit insane. 

_One particular afternoon, Castiel was sitting innocently outside on the front porch with a text book open on one knee and a pad of paper on the other. He had a bit of Math homework to catch up on, and it was a nice enough day outside that he decided to make the most of it. Then Dean Winchester showed up and everything went to hell in a neat little hand-basket._

_“What’cha workin’ on there, Cassie?” Dean had asked, using the nickname that Castiel despised above all others. “Looks boring.”_

_Castiel sighed heavily and, without bothering to even look up at the other boy, explained, “It’s Math homework,” before shutting him almost completely out and getting back to the books._

_“Like I said, boring. Hey, you’re a nerd, right? Are you any good with Astronomy stuff?” Dean asked, taking a seat down beside Cas and looking at him almost pleadingly._

_“Aren’t you here to help my brother plot out ways to make my life miserable?”_

_“He’s gone. I’m here to see you.”_

_At this, Castiel did look up and right into Dean’s green eyes, the ones he tried oh so desperately to keep himself from getting lost in. “And why is that?”_

_It took Dean a second to realize that he was being spoken to, but once he did, he was all business. “I need help on a little project. Y’see, my teacher is hell bent on failing me this year, and he’s probably going to unless I get a passing grade on this test he’s assigned me. Problem is, I know next to nothing about space except that the sun is hot, it gets dark when the moon’s out, and apparently, men are from Mars. So, I need a tutor.”_

_“And you’re asking me to help tutor you.” Castiel said. “Tell me, Dean, what would honestly make you think that I would want to help you, when all you do is terrorize me?”_

_Dean just chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows at Castiel. “All the milkshakes and burgers you want for the next month, all expenses on me.”_

_Castiel weighed his options for a moment before answering. On one hand, doing this meant that he was stuck putting up with Dean and his crap for however long, but on the other, this meant he was going to be spending time with Dean, and getting some burgers and milkshakes out of it. And Cas_ did _like his burgers and milkshakes…_

_“Okay, you have a deal.” Cas said without too much hesitation._

_Dean grinned hugely at him, clapped him hard on the back, and got back up. “Awesome. I’ll see you later tonight, then!” And he was gone just as quickly as he’d come._

_Castiel was left trying to make complete sense of what just happened and gathered up his things, going back inside to finish working at the table._

_____

_They’d been doing this for almost a week solid now. He would meet Dean outside every night after it got dark with a telescope, and Dean would drive them to the park where they could see the stars. Castiel would show Dean different planets when they were visible, tell him about the constellations and the stories behind them (if he knew it), and any and every other thing he could think of concerning space. Afterwards, Dean would take him out for a quick bite to eat at the diner where one of Dean’s father’s friend’s wife owned and then back home before 12:00._

_Somewhere in that time, Dean had decided that Castiel, while still incredibly nerdy and socially awkward, wasn’t as bad to be around as he originally guessed he would be. Under all of that, he found Cas to have a dry sense of humor and a heart so big he was surprised it even fit in the younger boy’s chest. Especially where he was concerned._

_Castiel found out that Dean wasn’t nearly as dumb as he’d originally thought, but was actually quite smart when it came to cars, or guns, or building and fixing things with little or no material to do it with, and a little splash of facts about military history to go along with it. He learned that Dean had a deep love for his little brother, Star Trek, and apparently, The Twilight Zone. It was kind of cute listening to Dean go on about the two shows and his little brother, because then Cas got to see a different side of Dean, a softer and more boyish side._

_Before too long on both counts, the nightly visits somehow got a lot more exciting to the two boys, and Gabriel had taken to teasing Castiel about going to see his “boyfriend”. Cas would just blush and ducks his head before running out to meet Dean with a face-splitting grin on his face._

_The next to last night the two of them spent out in the park would be a night both of them would remember for the rest of their lives. Castiel was currently explaining the story behind Aquarius (which Dean found exceptionally interesting, considering that was his sign) and had this passionate look on his face that Dean found completely adorable._

_“-So Zeus made Ganymede his slave, which he wasn’t all too fond of, so one day he-” Castiel never got to finish that sentence, because Dean had had enough of listening to him going on and on about this stuff in so great a detail, and decided to shut him up with a kiss. Castiel drew back with wide eyes and backed away from the older boy, his heart hammering inside his chest. “Dean… you just… Why did you do that?”_

_Dean gave a seemingly indifferent shrug of his shoulders and laid back in the grass, trying to cover up the hurt he was feeling at Castiel’s rejection, before answering with, “It seemed like a good idea at the time was all.”_

_Castiel, after a moment, crawled back over to Dean and lay down beside him, his cheeks bright pink with embarrassment. “I wouldn’t mind if you did it again.”_

_So Dean did, and the two of them had been attached at the hip ever since. It had taken a lot of convincing to Gabriel that Dean wasn’t just going to treat Castiel like he would anybody, that he was somebody that Dean wanted to have stick around for awhile, but eventually he warmed up to the idea (“Just as long as you two don’t turn into horny little rabbits around me. I would like to keep the mindset that my baby bro is still the awkward virgin for as long as I can.”)._

_  
_Now here they were. They’d been together for almost four years with plans on moving away from there and moving someplace else where the people were a little more accepting to their lifestyle after Castiel had finished high school. In just the span of a couple hours, that future was threatened because of the damn drafting.

They were standing in Dean’s kitchen, Cas bent over the sink and emptying the contents of his stomach when he’d stopped crying long enough to, and Dean rubbing his back and trying to tell him that things would be okay. “Cas, your brother and I’ll be back before you even have time to miss us. We’ll do our year over there and be back in no time.” 

After he thought he’d calmed himself down enough, Castiel pulled Dean into his arms and rested his head on the other’s shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in his scent. “But what if something happens to one of you over there?” He asked in a whisper. “What if something  _happens_ and you don’t come home? What are Sam and I going to do, Dean? We - we need both of you here.” 

“Cas,” Dean replied, tilting the younger boy’s face up so he was looking at him. “We’re going to be okay. I’m gonna come back to you and Sam. So is your brother. We’re not going to let anything happen to each other.” 

Castiel just nodded and buried his face in Dean’s shirt, trying to stifle his sobs. “Don’t leave me tonight,” he pleaded. “Stay with me,” 

“Alright,” 

~~~~

They ended up back at Gabriel and Castiel’s apartment and spent the night pouring over four years’ worth of memories, and what they would do when Dean got home. “If you still want me by the time I get back, that is,” Dean said. 

Castiel gave Dean a cold look and smacked him hard in the leg. “Of course I’ll still want you, Dean. There will never be a day of my life when I don’t want you.”

“I’m not gone yet. It’s easy for you to say that when I’m sitting right in front of you. A year’s a long time, Cas.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes and laid his head in Dean’s lap, glaring up at him. “If I didn’t know you any better, Dean Winchester, I’d say you’re counting on me not wanting you as much as I do right now when you come back. Why’s that? So you have an excuse to cheat on me with some Vietnamese girl thankful for you coming to save her and be her knight in shining armor?” 

Dean shook his head incredulously, trying to think of something to say that would help him out here, but Castiel broke out into a smile and reached up to cup his cheek in his hand. “I’m kidding, Dean.” He told him. “But if I ever find out that you did cheat while you were over there, I’ll put your bayonet to good use and chop your penis off.” 

“That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think, Cas?” 

“No,” Castiel got to his feet, pulling Dean right up with him, and brushed a kiss to the other boy’s lips. He led him back into his bedroom and left him there for a moment while he went to brush his teeth. 

Dean lay back on Castiel’s bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to keep himself from becoming afraid of the duty that lay ahead of him. There was a very, very real possibility that he wouldn’t be one of the lucky ones to make it back home, or that he would come back with a limb missing or so messed up from the war that Cas found him useless and disgusting and wanted nothing to do with him. And that he could actually  _die._ He, barely twenty and off to fight in a war that wouldn’t even want him had they known who was waiting for him when he got home, could not make it back alive. 

But one look at Castiel’s face when he came back gave Dean a bit of resolve, a reason to go over there and whup as much ass as possible (and seeing Sam would give him another the following morning). If he was fighting to keep his boyfriend and his little brother safe and free back home, then he would gladly go. Just for the two of them. 


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel was out for his morning walk around the neighborhood, a habit which he’d taken to after his brother and Dean had been shipped out. Castiel had been bothered by nightmares since they’d left, and walking was his way of calming down afterwards.

Something about being out in the cool, early morning when the world was just waking up was good for him. Peaceful, like he hoped in vain that Dean and Gabriel were. His thoughts were swimming with memories of his brother and Dean before they left, and his heart ached for them, longing to hear their voices and know they were both okay. It had been almost a month since he and Sam had heard from either of them, and they were starting to worry. He thought of the day that Gabriel promised he’d come back, and Castiel hoped his brother was telling the truth.

_Castiel had barely looked up from his plate the entire time they’d been eating, lost in his own thoughts and worries, and Gabriel is getting rather annoyed with him. “Castiel,” he started, his voice tight and annoyed, “you’re overreacting again. Dean and I are going to be fine.” He watches as his little brother’s eyes close, presumably against a stream of tears, and Gabriel grabs the younger boy’s wrist in his hand in an attempt to get him to look up at him. “I’ll bring him back to you, Cassie. I promise I will.”_

_Castiel barely lets Gabriel finish before he’s up and out of his chair, grabbing his older brother in a hug tight enough that Gabriel can actually feel his airways closing, but he hugs Castiel back just as tightly. “You’d better come back, too,” Cas mumbles into his shirt, and Gabriel can feel a damp spot on his shoulder._

_Gabriel smiles. “I will, kiddo. I promise. I’m not gonna leave you.”_

Castiel felt the tears rising in his eyes as the memory faded away and swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to compose himself before he started crying. “You’d better come home, you asshole,” he said, hoping in vain that Gabriel could hear him from this far away.

Castiel was almost back to his and Gabriel’s apartment when he heard a soft little meow sounding off from somewhere behind him. Immediately, the younger Novak turned and looked around for the source of the noise, already knowing what it would be and getting excited about it. “Kitty,” he said softly, straining his ears to hear the sound again. “It’s okay, kitty. I won’t hurt you.”

Again the noise sounded off and Castiel was down on his knees almost instantly, searching around on the ground for any sign of the kitten. Eventually, he saw two little green eyes peeking out at him from one of the neighbor’s flowerbeds. A face-splitting crossed the younger Novak’s face and, without too much thought, reached into the rose bush where the kitten was hiding and brought it out, holding it tightly against his chest and hurrying them both inside.

The kitten jumped from Castiel’s arms as soon as the door was shut and backed up against it, fur sticking out at all directions and looking for all the world like a deer in the headlights. Castiel’s heart went out to the poor little thing and, even though he knew he’d regret it later, went out to the kitchen and pulled out his left over meatloaf that Sam’s Uncle’s girlfriend had cooked for both he and the younger Winchester to split, cutting it up and cutting the ends off of it before setting it on a plate and putting that in front of the kitten. “Come on, you look like you could eat something,” he told it.

The kitten, after thinking it over for a couple of terrified moments, made its way forward and started eating, much to Castiel’s satisfaction. “See?” He told it, grinning, “I knew you needed something to eat.” He pulled down a saucer from the cupboard and filled it with water, waiting until the kitten was finished eating before setting that down, too.

Castiel already felt attached to the little thing, scrawny and scruffy as it was. It reminded him of himself a little.

Castiel had been housing Annabelle for almost three weeks before Sam had to come along and try to ruin everything.

He had put up flyers and asked around in case anybody was missing the little kitten, and when nobody came along to claim her, he decided to keep her in the apartment for some company they both desperately needed. Annabelle eventually warmed up to Castiel, which was something the young boy was extremely grateful for, and now never left him alone once he was home. They were good for each other, Castiel thought, and he thanked whomever might be up there listening that he came across the little baby before something happened to her.

Then Sam happened, and came close to ruining the little bit of happiness that Castiel had managed to find since their brothers left.

Let it be known that, while the two younger siblings were friendly with each other, Sam and Castiel were not very close. They spoke to each other when the need called for it and recommended books for the other to read, but that was just about where it ended with them. Where Sam was pretty outgoing and a social butterfly, Castiel was introverted and quiet. Where Sam had lots of friends at school, Castiel had two: a nice fellow named Chuck who was just about as bad off as Cas himself, and Dean. They ran in different social circles, and that was made very obvious when the two of them were forced along on double dates their brothers insisted they go on (“Since it looks like we’re all going to be in-laws someday!”). Sam would try to start a conversation with Castiel, and in turn, Cas would cling more to Dean and try hiding behind him, or just not say anything at all. It gave Sam the impression that Cas didn’t like him at all.

Sam had decided to stop by Castiel’s apartment one afternoon after school to see if he wanted to come to dinner with himself and Bobby later on that evening, much to the older man’s insistence.

He knocked on the door, rehearsing what he was going to say, and was more than a little surprised when Castiel answered the door holding a black and white kitten. “When’d you get that thing?” He asked first thing.

Castiel frowned at the boy standing in his doorway, scratching his kitten on the head, refusing to let Sam inside. “Her name is Annabelle. She’s not a thing, and I would appreciate if you didn’t call her as such.”

“Okay, fine then, when’d you get Annabelle?”

Castiel smiled a little at that, moving aside so Sam could come through now that he’d called her by her name, and turned to look down at his baby. “I found her outside a few weeks ago. She was starving and needed a place to stay, so I took her in.”

Sam looked between the two of them with a slightly raised eyebrow, and shook his head. “You know Gabe’s gonna freak out because you have a cat, don’t you? And you know Dean’s allergic. You should get rid of her.”

Castiel sighed and took a spot on the couch, the kitten still in his lap, and gave Sam one of the saddest looks the younger Winchester had ever seen. “I’m alone here, Sam. The house is too empty without my brother around. It’s too quiet. You have Bobby waiting on you to come back every night. I don’t. I need a companion. I need another soul living in this house with me.” He stopped talking for a moment, not liking to think about being so lonesome, and shut his eyes. “I have nothing and nobody around to keep me busy. She keeps me company,”

For whatever reason, Sam felt a bit guilty for not coming around to check on him, or invite him over more, or just try getting to know him a little better and be his support. He got to his feet, not quite able to look Castiel in the eyes. “Well, I came over to invite you to dinner with Bobby and myself tonight. We’ll set a seat out for you if you wanna come.”

Castiel nodded at the younger boy, his lips curled up into a half-smile, and shown him out. “Thank you, Sam. I’d like that.”

* * *

The next morning for Sam brought with it a whole new set of heartache. Gabriel’s album was over - he’d fallen asleep listening to it - and the scratch of the record across the player was almost too much for him to handle. He hadn’t listened to much music since Gabriel died, and what he did was stuff he knew the older boy would have hated. It hurt too much otherwise. 

He had slept with Gabriel’s letterman draped over him like a blanket, his letter on his chest, and the box still beside him on the bed. Sam lay there for several long moments, listening to the scratch of the record, before getting to his feet and shuffling over to turn it off. Then turned it back on and played  _Unchained Melody_ for the second time. 

Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and went to sit back down on his bed while the song filled his room and he lost himself in his thoughts. 

_They’re at the loading docks. It’s the day that Dean and Gabriel are being shipped overseas and Castiel and Sam are both a mess. Bobby is standing behind the two younger brothers and trying to hide the tears brimming in his eyes. “You two come back alive, you hear me?”_

_Dean and Gabriel both nod and embrace their little brothers, promising them one more time that they’ll keep each other safe. Then it comes time for them to say their final goodbyes to their boyfriends._

_Dean approaches Castiel first, meeting his gaze with a watery one of his own, and longs to take him into his arms, to kiss him senseless and give him a proper goodbye like the ones he can see happening around him. Instead, he takes both of his hands and squeezes them before pulling him into a tight hug and letting his few tears fall. “I’ll come back to you,” he whispers. “I’ll always come back to you.”_

_Gabriel hesitates a little longer, not knowing if he’d be able to control himself with his own goodbye, while he thinks of what the last words he’s going to leave Sam with are. After a few long seconds, he brings Sam tightly against him, pressing a discreet kiss to his cheek while tears fill his eyes. “I love you, Sam. I love you so much, and I’m gonna come home, gonna come back to you and we’ll ditch this place.”_

_Sam’s reply dies in his throat when Gabriel pulls back, and all he is able to do is nod. Then, when the older boy is getting ready to get on board, Sam grabs him by the hand and pulls him in for one last hug, needing one last bit of contact before he was gone. “I love you so much, you silly little man. You come back to me, you hear me? You_ come home. _” He lets Gabriel go, and is able to hold himself together until he, Castiel, and Bobby are back inside Bobby’s truck. The boat taking his brother and his boyfriend away from him is a speck in the distance now, and he won’t see either of them for a year._

_Castiel spends the night with them that night. It’s close to 3:00 in the morning when Sam hears the other boy start crying. Up until now, he’d thought Castiel had fallen asleep already - he didn’t understand how, considering they’d just watched the two most important people in their lives go and were unable to stop it. Sam stays quiet the rest of the night while Castiel cries, pretending he’s asleep himself. He doesn’t know what to do or say to the other boy, he doesn’t know hardly anything about him or what could set him off or anything. He feels lost, so he just lets it happen._

_Castiel doesn’t stop crying until Bobby comes to wake them up in the morning, and even then, it’s only because he doesn’t want to be caught in such a state. He furiously swipes at his eyes, trying in vain to appear put together and well rested, but he knows Bobby can see through it in an instant. He doesn’t say anything, and neither does the older man, and Castiel just packs up his stuff and heads to the small bathroom to try putting himself back together and get ready for the day._

Sam still felt guilty for not trying to help Castiel out more that night, but he hadn’t known what to do for him. He felt that he’d more than made up for it later, though, after they’d finally broken down their barriers and became better friends, bonded over their brothers and significant others being overseas and fighting to keep them safe. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically I just need to thank my friend Brooke for being so awesome and giving me a ton of ideas to work with. Without her, this wouldn't have even happened and I'm very proud of how this bit turned out.

Dean couldn’t sleep. Ever since they’d gotten shipped over to this goddamned place, he hadn’t been sleeping more than a couple hours a night. Every time he closed his eyes, he was haunted by images of men falling to the ground dead by his hands - be it by gun or bayonet. There was blood on his hands, and there was lots of it. 

He sat awake at his post, gun propped up against his thigh and ready to go in case the threat of an ambush should arise, a faded up photograph of Castiel and Sam grinning and standing side-by-side in his hand.

His heart ached to be back home with the two of them, making Sam laugh and be the big brother that he needed to be to him; help him with his homework, teach him how to hold his own in a fight, give him advise when he needed help with trying to win Gabriel back over after a fight…

And Cas, too, of course. He missed being able to kiss Cas whenever he wanted to, to hold onto him at night when they were in bed together, or even just to sit down in the evenings with a couple burgers and watch Star Trek. “I miss you so much,” he whispered to the picture before folding it back up and putting it back into the breast pocket of his uniform.

Dean blinked away the tears in his eyes after putting it back and leaned his head back against the tree he was backed up against, staring up into the sky. He wondered what the two of them were doing right now back at home, if they were okay, if they weren’t missing them too badly… 

A noise from Gabriel, who was sleeping somewhere over on his left, brought Dean out of his thoughts. He turned towards the other man, his lips pulling down into a frown at the sight of his friend’s fitful sleep, and was half-tempted to go ahead and wake him up right then and there. But Gabriel needed as much sleep as he could get, fitful or not. They still had a job to do, and they needed every one of them to be alert. 

Gabriel was muttering something in his sleep, but whatever it was, Dean couldn’t make it out. At least at first. Over the course of the night, the mutterings got louder and eventually Gabriel woke up with a cry of “Sam!” and immediately started looking around for the younger man. 

“You’re just dreamin ’ over there, dude,” Dean told him, turning his head again to relieve some of the tension in his neck. “He ain’t anywhere near this fucking place,” 

He heard Gabriel’s breathing in the quiet night, coming out more like gasping than actual breaths, for what felt like forever before it was accompanied by the rustle of his blanket and then the shift on the ground, signaling that he was back to laying down. 

Dean let out a sigh and brought his knees up closer to his chest, laying his helmet-clad head against them and closing his eyes for a moment, trying to keep himself together. 

He made a vow to himself, and to Sam and Castiel, that he would bring Gabriel back home for them, that he would keep him safe while they were over there, and he’d come home smiling and ready to pick his life with Sam right back up where it left off. Although right now, he wasn’t exactly sure if he’d be able to do that. Gabriel hadn’t hardly smiled since they got here, and Dean could see him starting to revert back to the way they were when he first met the other guy. 

It was so much better for everyone when Sam came into the picture. Castiel could see a light come back into his brother’s eyes that hadn’t been there in years, Dean was happy because Gabriel wasn’t taking everything out on him anymore, and that was all because of Sam. He made Gabriel happy, he gave Gabriel a reason to smile, a reason to keep fighting. It was good for everyone. 

_Dean and Gabriel are sitting down on the bleachers at the high school, Gabriel watching Castiel run track and Dean trying to do what little bit of homework he’d_ _been assigned before it got to be last minute. Needless to say, it’s not working out too well._

_Somewhere over on the other side of the athletic field, Sam is playing basketball with his friends and will eventually join up with his brother afterwards. They meet and do this once once a week - the same day that Castiel has practice, and not that Dean payed any attention to that little detail at all - and Dean always stays behind to wait for Sam. Today, Gabriel has the day off from work and decides to come watch his little brother and cheer him on for moral support._

_“I still can’t believe he actually does this,” Dean chuckles, closing his books and settling in to watch his newly named boyfriend run. “As shy and booky as he is, you’d never guess it.”_

_Gabriel chuckles right along with Dean and shakes his head, shooting a proud smile down at his little brother. “He says it’s the only way he can really clear his head and shut his brain off for a little while. It’s one of the only ways he gets any peace. And he’s doing something that gets him around people and out of his room for a little while. I’m proud of him.”_

_When Castiel finishes his first lap, Dean is up on his feet, cheering him on and shouting out his support. Cas ducks his head and shuffles back to the starting line, and Dean knows he’s just succeeded in making him blush._

_It goes on like this until Castiel is finished, and after he’s done for the day, the younger Novak disappears off to the boys’ locker room for a quick shower. Dean has completely given up on his homework, and he’s in the process of listening to Gabriel heckle the cheerleaders on their routine._ _He’s getting ready to comment on it all when Gabriel completely falls silent and barely is daring to move._

_Dean looks over at his friend with questions shining in his eyes when he sees the person that made him shut up in the first place._

_Sam is walking over to them across the track field, his shirt slung over his shoulder and his hair matted with sweat. His little brother is smiling so much that his eyes are crinkling and Dean rolls his eyes, shoving Gabriel in the shoulder and thinking that he’s going to tease him about having a crush on his little brother when he gets a good look at the expression on Gabriel’s face._

_He’s smiling. Actually full on_ smiling.  _There’s a softness in his eyes that have hardly been present in their near two-year friendship, and this goofy looking, love-struck grin plastered across his face. Dean knows he’s already gone._

Dean would have given anything to see his friend looking like that again. To see that light in his eyes and the easiness of his smile again. He wanted to see the smile he smiled only for Sam on his face, the smile that proved everything was okay in his buddy’s world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry if you didn't say 'goodbye', yes I'm sorry if I ever made you cry." - Elysian Fields; Casey Frazier.

They were out on a scouting mission the first time it happened. Dean was leading their platoon and Gabriel was right behind him, and the older Winchester could just  _feel_ the tension rolling off of him. Gabriel hadn’t been sleeping well again. It seemed like after every time the two of them received letters from home, Gabriel would have nightmares about both Sam and Castiel being there, thrown in the war with them. He would stop sleeping and become tense and jumpy, like an addict in need of a fix and unable to acquire it. 

Right now, Gabriel wasn’t paying the best of attention and therefore, wasn’t aware of what lay ahead of them. 

They were wading their way through the thick vegetation of the jungle. swatting at bugs and trying to be quiet so not to give away their position when they came across a camp of enemy troops. Dean called them all to a halt. Everyone except Gabriel, who was currently zoned out, stopped. Gabriel ran right into the back of Dean and made a noise of annoyance loud enough that the other soldiers paused their conversations to listen. 

“What are we doing?” Gabriel whispered.

That was all it took. A cry sounded out from ahead of them and gunfire blasted through the trees. Dean could see a couple of the men pop up from the taller grass and aim right for the older Novak. “No!” Dean cried, and before his rational mind could catch up to what was happening, tackled Gabriel to the ground to protect him from the bullets. He had to bring the other man back to his little brother. He promised he would. 

A searing pain lanced up through Dean’s shoulder, and he could feel a warm wetness spreading across the back of his uniform. “Fuck! Gabriel, you need to pay some goddamned attention!” He shouted, grabbing his gun and trying to aim back at the Vietnamese and trying  _not_ to think about the pain in his shoulder. 

Whatever daze Gabriel had been in, he snapped out of it as soon as his buddies started firing. He aimed his weapon and took down three men with such accuracy that Dean had to admit he was jealous. 

~~~~

“Alright, what the hell was that today, dumbass?” Dean asked after he’d gotten back from the medic station. “You could have gotten me killed back there. And worse than that,  _you_ could have gotten yourself killed. What would I have told Sam and Cas if I let that happen, huh?” 

Gabriel, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy, shook his head and turned his eyes down to the ground, not really wanting to answer Dean’s question. “I - I miss him, Dean. I haven’t heard anything from him in so long, and I’m worried he’s… I guess it’s getting to me a little, is all.” 

“There ain’t any excuse in that,” Dean snapped. “You know for a damn fact you can’t think about them too much over here. You have to keep your goddamn head clear!” He shot Gabriel a harsh look and walked away, not wanting to admit to anybody that he thought about Cas as much as Gabriel did about Sam, and that he worried about the younger Novak finding somebody else. Neither of them had heard from Sam or Cas in close to two months, and while that could have been something on their end, it still bothered both of them a little, wondering what they were doing, if they were okay, if they were still home waiting on them…

Dean shook his head, not wanting to worry himself sick over that kind of thing, not when he still had a job to do, and took up his post to keep an eye on things while some of the other men got some much needed rest. 

~~~~

The letters came close to three days later, and there were a lot of them. A month’s worth of letters - each wrote two a week for them -  from Sam and Castiel, wanting to know if they were okay, if they were still in one piece, and how they were adjusting to life overseas. The last one Dean received from Sam asked if he was still keeping his promise to keep both of them safe while they were there. Dean put all of his mail inside his pocket with his picture and went to see what all they had to say to Gabriel. 

~~~~~

_“Sam, you’re not starting with this right now, are you?” Dean asks his little brother, who is trying his hardest to hold himself together over breakfast. It’s the day after Dean and Gabriel were both drafted, and Dean’s just come back from Castiel’s place after spending the night. “There’ll be plenty of time for you to get all emotional and crap. Just wait until I’m not here to do it.” Dean doesn’t want to see his little brother like this, especially - partially - over him. He doesn’t want to think about what would happen in the event of his death, how upset Sam would be then._

_He’d spent the entire night with Castiel trying to prevent this very thing from happening with him, and failed. Miserably. They had been getting ready to go to sleep and Dean made the mistake of saying that Cas would be fine, that he’d be able to move on if something happened over there, and Castiel started crying. He didn’t stop until Dean took back what he said, and then proceeded to tell him all the reasons why he wouldn’t move on if something happened, which led to him crying again. It was a very stressful night._

_“You’re not gonna die over there, are you?” Sam asks, his voice is strained and Dean can tell he he’s probably had about as rough of a night as Cas did. “You’re gonna come back?” Dean doesn’t like the question in Sam’s voice._

_“‘Course I’m gonna come back, Sammy,” Dean says, trying to seem like he’s not been affected by his brother’s seeming lack of faith. “Somebody’s gotta pester the hell out of you and give you dating advise when you and your boyfriend are fighting.” He chuckles, getting to his feet and ruffling Sam’s hair. “Don’t worry your dorky little head about it.”_

_Sam almost doesn’t ask the next question, but it spills out before he can stop himself. “And Gabriel? Are you - will you keep him safe, too? Will you bring him home?”_

_Dean turns around and stares his kid brother right in the eyes, giving him a nod. “I’ll bring him back, Sam. Alive and in one piece. I promise.”_

_~~~~_

The sound of someone shouting and a body falling to the ground woke him. Dean opened his eyes and was on his feet, gun in hand and ready to shoot the first thing that moved when he saw what was going on. Gabriel was currently being choked against a tree, a knife to his stomach, and one of his own men wielding the blade. “The hell’s goin’ on here?” Dean asked, not lowering his weapon as he made his way over to the two men. 

“He started talking shit about Cas,” Gabriel spat, not taking his eyes off the man in front of him. “And my mom. He needed to be taught a lesson in respect.” 

Dean’s eyes flickered to the face of the offender and repressed the urge to groan at who it was. Lucifer Milton was one of, if not the worst, the most hard-headed, stubborn, and downright impossible men Dean was leading. Everything Dean said, he went against and went off to do his own thing. Lucifer was a spoiled, rich kid L.A. who had gotten everything he ever wanted in life when he wanted it, no questions asked. Until his parents brought home a little brother, who Dean thought he’d heard Milton say was named Michael, and things changed right here and now. Apparently he rebelled and was kicked out of the family home and joined the army as soon as he turned 18. How he ever made it through the training, Dean would never understand. 

“Yeah, well if you wouldn’t be such a little pussy and whine about your dead mama and little faggot of a brother, maybe I wouldn’t have.” Lucifer shrugged. 

Dean could almost feel the hatred rolling off of Gabriel for that and the older Novak lurched forwards, right into the blade of the knife held against his stomach. Gabriel fell to the ground and Dean screamed for a medic while Lucifer took off.

“Hey, listen to me, asshole,” Dean said, turning Gabriel over and propping his head up against his own helmet. “You’re not dying on me tonight, you hear it? You’re not dying. I promised them I’d bring you back alive, and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You’re not gonna let them down.”

Gabriel shot Dean a weak smile and tried to say something, only to cough up blood instead. Thankfully, a medic arrived in time to save Gabriel’s life, but the older Novak would be out of action for three long months before he came back, and Lucifer would be kicked out of the army for his behavior. It was a bittersweet night for Dean. 

~~~~

Two more weeks. Two goddamn weeks and they would have been out of there. Dean sat in the back of the back of an army truck that was to take him back to his platoon, where they would all be moved to reserve, and then he could focus on getting himself home. He felt numb. 

A simple raid was all it was supposed to be. A prisoner snatch. All they had to do was bring back 3 guys, take them to HQ, and let them deal with it. That was it, after that, they were going home. Both of them were supposed to go home. 

Dean stared down at his hands and ruined uniform which were stained with blood - the blood of his best friend who had been shot to death not two hours ago right in front of him. Dean lowered his head and shut his eyes, not really wanting to break down in front of his men, but knowing that it was inevitable, and replayed what had just happened for what felt like the thousandth time. 

_Gabriel is somewhere in the back with their POWs and speaking to them in broken Vietnamese. Dean can’t understand a word of it, and he has to give Gabriel some props for learning what little bit he could while they were on their way over here, and when they have a little bit of downtime._

_He thinks of all of the loot they’ve got to bring home with them: a small set of china that Dean lifted from a home a month ago, some spoons, and a ton of pictures of their battalion and the surrounding jungle that he traded some guns and a few bayonets for. He figures Cas’ll get a kick out of ‘em. He asked Dean once if he could take any while they were there so he could see what it was like._

_Gabriel has taken a bunch of different flowers, which he stuffed inside the book he brought over with him - The Hobbit, Sam’s copy of it, to be exact - a few handguns, a Vietnamese flag, and any little bit of candy he could swipe and has hidden somewhere on his person. He plans on giving all of it to Sam when they get home._

_Dean can hear shouting coming somewhere on their left flank, and turns around to find one of the replacements that had just been brought over from some hole-in-the-wall town somewhere in New England - Dean never bothered to learn anymore, they never lasted more than a week or two anyways - shouting at them about having their prisoners mingling freely among the group. He says something about them ‘_ _fraternizing with the enemy’ and indicates to Gabriel, who is still talking to their prisoners._

_That’s when Dean hears it: shouts coming from up behind them followed by gunfire. He hears a body hit the ground and the whole time he’s thinking ‘let it not be Gabriel, please not Gabriel.’_

_The older Winchester turns around and finds his friend on the ground, bullet hole in his helmet and blood running down his face. “NO!” he yells, running up to the kid and decking him one right in the face. Dean curses him, tells him to report back to CP, and that he’ll deal with him later._

_He rushes over to Gabriel’s side, cradling his buddy’s head in his lap, and knows it’s already too late. Still, he says, “Come on, man. You can’t leave me here with these idiots alone. What about Sam? A - and Cas? You can’t leave them, man. They need you. All three of us do. You’re gonna be alright, you - you’re gonna make it back home. Oh, goddammit, medic! We need a medic!” He can’t stop himself from rambling, knowing if he doesn’t, then he’s going to break down right then and there and go ballistic on the first person he sees. “If not for anything else, do it for Sam. My little brother needs you, Gabriel. He - he’s waiting on you back home! Don’t abandon him.”_

_The barest hint of a smile crosses Gabriel’s face at the mention of the younger Winchester and he reaches out, taking Dean’s wrist in his hand and squeezes it. Dean knows it’s coming, but it still doesn’t prepare him for the last breath, the last whisper of “Sam,” before Gabriel dies, right there in his hands._

_“FUCK!” Dean shouts, laying his buddy’s head back on the ground. He can’t believe this. He can’t believe they’d gotten this close, only to have it be taken away from them. He can’t believe Gabriel is dead, or that Cas will never see his brother again, or that he and Sam will never have their future together…_

_He lied to them. Both of them lied to their brothers. They aren’t both coming home, not alive, anyways. He’s broken his promise to both Castiel and Sam. He’s let them down. He’s lied._

_A piece of him dies right along side his friend, and he only hopes that this won’t kill the two most important people in his life right along with him._


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel woke up in the middle of the night and just  _knew_ something wasn’t right. Something was wrong with Dean and/or Gabriel. He sat up in bed, wishing that he had some way to contact them, to make sure they were both okay. He could feel himself on the verge of a panic attack; his breathing was getting shallow and his heart was hammering uncomfortably in his chest the longer he was awake. He needed to talk to someone. He needed help. He needed to know his brother and his boyfriend were both okay. 

He opted for calling Sam instead. he knew the other boy would be awake, and maybe he was feeling the same thing. Maybe it wasn’t just him. Castiel looked at his clock on the opposite wall and saw it was getting close to 2:00 in the morning. Sam would still be up anyways. Dashing out of bed, Cas donned his robe and made his way through the dark apartment to the kitchen to flip on a light and dial the number of the Winchester household. 

One ring. Two rings. Three rings… 

Castiel could feel his pulse pounding in his throat, and the longer it was taking Sam to answer, the more anxious he was getting about everything. 

Finally, on the fifth ring, a very tired and very annoyed Sam picked up. “Hello?” He asked sleepily. 

“Sam?” Castiel whispered, sliding down the wall and bringing his knees up to his chest on the floor. “A - Are you - did I wake you?” 

Castiel could hear Sam moving around on the other end and shut his eyes, needing him to say something, needing some kind of distraction from his growing panic. “Cas? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” 

“Something’s wrong, Sam.” Cas told him, and he could feel tears rising up in his eyes. “Something’s wrong with Dean and Gabriel. I can… I can feel it, Sam. Something happened.” 

Castiel was shaking all over by this point, hardly able to talk, and silently prayed that he was wrong. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Cas,” Sam muttered, “You’re just overreacting. They’re fine. They’ll be home soon, just stop worrying.” 

“But-“

“Goodnight, Cas. Come over tomorrow with Annabelle and we’ll do something, alright?” 

Castiel hung up the phone with a heavy heart and padded back to his room, slipping under his blankets and bringing Annabelle up to his chest. He brushed his fingers over his kitten’s fur, letting it and her soft purring calm him enough to slip back into a sleep. 

~~~

Things were most definitely not okay. It took two weeks for the letters (one from the army and one from Dean explaining what happened) to finally arrive, but they did, and Castiel barely was able to handle it. 

As soon as he saw it, he knew. He knew that inside of the envelope contained the fate of either Dean or Gabriel, and that right there was enough to make him start crying. 

It took Castiel a full hour to find the strength to open the letter, and when he finally did, he could have sworn his heart stopped. 

Castiel dropped the letter down on the table, took a step, and then fell to the ground in tears, cursing any god out there that would allow his brother to be taken away from him like this. He needed his brother. He needed Gabriel to come home to him, and be there for him, and get together with Sam and start a life with him and be there when and if he and Dean were ever able to marry… He needed his older brother to give him away.

“No, no, no, no, no.” Castiel whispered from his position curled up in a ball on the floor. “No, no,  _no!”_ More tears flowed from his eyes as he thought about how life would be without his brother, of all the things he was going to miss out on… 

_“Gab’iel! Gab’iel! Gab’iel!” Castiel yells happily, toddling up to his older brother who is sitting up at their table and reading. Castiel is holding a folded piece of paper in his hands, which contains a picture he’s drawn himself of he and his older brother hugging. “I drew something for you!” The four-year-old Castiel tells him proudly._

_Gabriel grins down at his baby brother and pulls out a chair next to him, waiting until Castiel is sitting down before taking the picture and grinning even more._

_“It’s us, Gab’iel!” Castiel squeals, his little heart swelling with pride at Gabriel’s reaction to his picture._

_“I can see that, Cassie,” Gabe says, ruffling his little brother’s hair. “You did good,”_

_Castiel smiles up at him and gets down from his chair, coming over to hug his big brother. “I love you, Gab’iel. You’re the best big brudder ever.”_

_Gabriel can’t help but smile down at Cas and hug him back. “And I always will be.”_

_  
_Castiel stayed on the floor for the rest of the afternoon, unable to make himself get up no matter how much he wanted to. There was a small little puddle of tears pooled around his head from where he’d been crying, unable to help himself from replaying all the moments in his life when his brother had been there when he needed him the most. Well, Castiel needed him now and he couldn’t reach him.

Castiel knew he needed to get up, but he couldn’t quite find the strength to do it. He had letters that needed sending out, people to notify. That was when the thought he’d been dreading hit him. He needed to tell Sam, and he knew he needed to tell him soon. 

It took him another hour, but Cas finally was able to pull himself up and start sifting through the letters, finding the one that he was entrusted to give to Sam. Along with a box with the things Gabriel wanted the younger Winchester to have. 

~~~

It was on the way over to Sam’s that it really hit Castiel that Gabriel wasn’t coming home. For a little while there, he almost was able to convince himself that the letter was wrong, that all of this was one of Gabriel’s pranks everybody seemed to love him for, but reality came crashing down around him looking over the things that he would be giving to Sam in just a little while.

That reminded Castiel that he still had Dean’s letter to read when he got home. Oh god, he hoped that somehow Sam had already found out. He didn’t want to have to be the one to tell him this. He didn’t know if he could…

Tears dropped down onto Castiel’s hand, and it was only then that he realized he’d been crying. The younger Novak tried to take a steadying breath, but it only aggravated the ache in his chest and he cut it off. 

~~~

Castiel knocked on the door of Sam and Dean’s place and shifted his weight while he waited for the younger boy to answer the door. The box under his arm felt like it weighed 100 pounds, and he would be happy when he was rid of it finally, when the job was done. 

“Cas?” Sam asked when he opened the door and finding the younger Novak standing there with red-rimmed eyes and a blotchy face. Sam’s own face paled at the sight and stepped aside so Cas could come in. “What’s wrong? What - what happened?” 

Castiel gratefully stepped inside and prepared himself for what he was about to say. “Gabriel… He - he’s dead, Sam.”

It felt like the wind had been knocked from Sam’s lungs, and he steadied himself against the wall, disbelieving that Castiel was saying this. “You’re joking. You’re - I mean… He can’t be.” 

“Have you checked your mail today?” 

“No, why?” 

Castiel set the box down and went back outside to grab Sam’s mail, flipping through the letters until he found one from Dean, dated two weeks ago. “Dean sent both of us a letter explaining what happened.” 

Sam took the letter with shaking hands and opened it, his eyes skimming through his brother’s words and trying to find where it said what happened to his boyfriend. When it was obvious this wasn’t some kind of a prank, Sam collapsed in tears as it all sank in. 

“These are things he wanted you to have in case…” Castiel said around the lump rising in his throat. “I’ll bring you his flag when it’s shipped home. He.. he wanted you to have that, too.” 

Sam was only able to nod as he read over it again, still not wanting to believe it. 

“I - I have letters I need to send out, Sam. I need to be going for now, but I will come by later to check on you.” Cas said regretfully. He didn’t want to leave Sam alone, and he really didn’t want to be alone either, but he promised Gabriel he would do this last thing for him as soon as he found out what happened. 

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "These lonely eyes are letting go of pain, if I die, let my blood leave a stain." - Elysian Fields; Casey Frazier.

The remaining two weeks that Dean was stuck waiting to go home were two of the longest weeks of his entire life. With Gabriel gone, he had nobody over there that he allowed himself to get close enough to that he considered a friend. A few of the guys came up to offer their condolences for the loss of his buddy, but that was about it. He was alone, with no way to contact his brother or Cas, nobody to talk to, and nobody to celebrate with.

The nights were starting to get harder for him to deal with. The guilt he felt over Gabriel's death was eating him alive. While Dean had dealt with nightmares the entire time he was over there, they were never this bad. Never this vivid. Night after night, he relived the death of his best friend, and sometimes, Sam or Cas was there accusing him of allowing Gabriel to die, and Dean couldn't handle that, knowing they felt that way. It continued to eat at him the entire time he was back in reserve and on the boat back home.

* * *

The homecoming Dean got wasn't the one he was expecting. Well, okay that's not exactly true, he did expect it, he was just hoping it wouldn't have happened that way. When he stepped off the ship with all of his gear, he immediately started looking around for his family. Castiel was the one he saw first; his eyes shining with tears and a bittersweet smile on his face. Dean wished he could have run over to the other boy - well, man now, seeing as Cas's eighteenth birthday came and went while he was gone - and pick him up off the ground and spin him like some of the other guys were doing with their girls. Instead, he simply walked over to Cas and Sam and everyone else, dropped his things on the ground, and brought Castiel in for a bone-crushing hug. "I love you so much, Cas," he whispered to him. "I'm sorry for breaking my promise."

Castiel shook his head as he pulled back, fighting to keep from being too affectionate with Dean in public, and gave him a look that promised that what had happened to Gabriel wasn't his fault. "I'm glad you're home."

Dean exchanged a look with Sam, and while the younger Winchester looked even more upset over everything than Castiel did (visibly, anyways), he still managed a smile at his older brother and embraced him every bit as tightly as Cas did. "Glad you're back," was all Sam said to Dean, and then started back for the car. It seemed that, while Cas didn't blame Dean for what had happened, Sam did, and Dean wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle that.

~~~

The first night back was filled with Dean sharing stories of both his and Gabriel's time over in 'Nam, and a house filled with people. Everybody that Dean knew was there: His family, obviously, Bobby's girlfriend Jody, Ellen and Jo Harvelle, their friend Ash, Dean and Gabriel's friend from school Garth Fitzgerald, among others. Everyone was there and ready to celebrate Dean's safe return, but Dean didn't want it. How could he celebrate it when not everyone was there to do it with him? It didn't feel right having a party when Gabriel was dead, his body being shipped back in a week to be buried with the rest of the Novaks in Lawrence, and unable to enjoy it along with him. They were both heroes, they both fought for their country, they both deserved this. Gabriel more so than him.

At the first chance he was able to get, Dean left his own party and took off. Apparently, not alone though. He could sense somebody following him before he heard it and immediately tensed up, getting ready to attack if the need should arise.

"Dean," It was Castiel, so Dean relaxed his stance and turned, waiting for the other man to catch up with him. "Why did you leave?"

Dean swallowed around the lump in his throat and shook his head, not really wanting to answer that question. "I can't - I can't be there, Cas. It doesn't feel right. If anything, you should be celebrating your brother. Not me..."

Cas cast a quick look around, making sure they were alone on the street, and closed the distance between himself and Dean, cupping the older boy's face in his hands and forcing him to look at him. "Why wouldn't we want to celebrate you being home and alive, Dean? Why shouldn't we get to welcome you back home like this?" The younger of the two leaned up, brushing a quick kiss to Dean's cheek, and smiled lovingly up at him, hoping he'd gotten through. "It doesn't feel right without Gabriel there, I know it doesn't, and soon, we'll do something in his memory to honor him the right way," Cas's voice broke on the last couple words and Dean could tell he was trying not to cry, "but you know he would be upset if we didn't do something for you, too. If you won't come back for yourself, do it for him. Do it for _me_."

Dean sighed and shot Castiel a weak smile, deciding to go ahead and humor him at least for a little while, and started back for the house. "I hate when you pull that card," he muttered, pouting at him. "'Do it for me'. Man, that's only okay when I do it."

Castiel laughed, shoving Dean playfully in the shoulder, and stayed at his side on the way back. "I learned it from you," he chuckled, wishing he could kiss Dean like he wanted to right then and there. "I love you, Dean. I'm glad you're home, and alive."

"I love you too, Cas. I'm glad you waited on me."

~~~~

Dean really didn't understand how Castiel could have still wanted him after everything. He'd been home for six months now, and if he thought his nightmares were bad overseas, it was nothing compared to how they were at home. He moved Castiel (and Annabelle) in with himself and Sam for the time being, and Cas had been there faithfully through being woken up every night to the sound of Dean either screaming or crying himself awake, the jumping at every little noise, the sleepwalking, the bout with drinking, him unable to preform in bed, and showed no signs of wanting to leave. He didn't understand why Castiel was sticking around like this, but it bothered Dean.

"Cas," he said one afternoon while they were waiting for Sam to get home from school, "why are you staying with me? You could be out there finding somebody else you can enjoy. I - I would get it if you wanted to leave."

Castiel reached across the table and took Dean's hand, giving him a gentle smile and brushed his fingers across the knuckles of Dean's hand. "Because we've worked so hard to get where we are right now, it would be stupid to give all of this up at the first sign of difficulty. I love you, Dean. I always have, and I always will. You're too special to me to just toss you away like this."

Dean could see the bags under the other's eyes, the paleness of his skin, and even just the sound of his voice, and knew this whole mess was harder on him than it needed to be. Cas had been losing sleep, and hadn't been eating right because of him and his stupid problems. "This isn't fair to you,"

Castiel just shook his head and got up, sitting in Dean's lap and kissing him long enough that Dean forgot his argument for a little while.

* * *

Things weren't as easy on the younger Winchester. Sam wasn't handling the adjustment as well as Castiel seemed to be. As soon as Dean was back in his life, things seemed to improve much faster for the younger Novak, and frankly, it made Sam feel a little sick. It made it seem like Castiel didn't even care that his brother was gone half the time.

_Gabriel's funeral is one of the hardest things Sam has ever been through, and in the end, he almost doesn't end up going. Dean gives a speech at the cemetery before they put him in the ground, and Sam almost feels like getting sick as his brother speaks, not wanting to hear this story again, not wanting to hear any stories relating to Gabriel ever again. It hurts too much. But he can't just wander off, either. This is Gabriel. This is the love of his life they are burying. He needs to be there, he needs to say goodbye._

_But that doesn't make it any easier. It's a closed casket since the wound was right smack dab in the middle of Gabriel's forehead and they can't really cover it with his hair, but just knowing that he is in there, knowing that Sam is never going to hear him laugh again, or tell him he loved him, knowing that Gabriel is never coming back is enough to make him sick._

_Sam spends the entire viewing in the bathroom throwing up and unable to find the strength to get up and go see him one more time._

~~~

As time wore on, important mile stones were passed, the heartache got worse for Sam. His eighteenth birthday, his graduation from high school, and Dean actually proposing to Castiel (even though they both knew they wouldn't be able to marry, Dean still wanted to do it "just in case"), and even him just sorting through college applications. He wished that Gabriel would have been there for all of it. He spent a lot of his time out at Gabriel's grave, talking to him and catching him up on everything that had happened, he prayed a lot, hoping that Gabe would have been able to hear him wherever he was, and just spent a lot of time in the past when Gabriel was alive and things were okay.

* * *

Annabelle was secret instant hit with Dean. Of course, he had obligations as the grumpy, why-must-you-do-these-kinds-of-things-to-me boyfriend, but he really did like her.

_When Castiel first brings Annabelle home to Dean, the older Winchester frowns at him and acts very put out at having to deal with a cat. He doesn't even know Cas even likes cats as much as he does until he sees how he interacts with the tiny little thing first hand. Castiel treats her with as much care as the average person would a newborn baby, and, as much as he wouldn't like to admit it, Dean finds this completely adorable. "Are you thinkin' you're gonna be keeping that thing here?" Dean asks, his eyebrows raised with the question and his arms folded across his chest. He decides to give Cas a bit of a hard time before saying he can keep it, so long as he's the one that takes care of it._

_"She needed me, Dean," Castiel says, looking up at Dean with those damn puppy eyes that turn the older Winchester to goo. "And I needed her. She's about the only thing that kept me sane while you and Gabriel were gone." He reaches down and scratches the kitten behind her ear, and Dean can actually hear the thing purring from where he's standing a few feet away._

_"But I'm back now," Dean says, and for a moment, he actually thinks Cas is believing him. "And she's going to take you away from me."_

_Castiel almost looks like he's about to cry, and Dean decides it's time to give up the act. "So long as you're the one that cleans up after her messes, and you're the one that takes care of her, I don't see why she can't stay." He says, and the grin on Castiel's face makes all of the allergy medication Dean is going to need because of all of this completely worth it._

* * *

Five years is a long time to grieve for someone, Sam Winchester knew this fact well. After Gabriel's death, all of Sam's hopes and dreams took the back burner in his mourning. College acceptance letters went un-looked at, dates were turned down, even apartment hunting was off the table. The only notable thing Sam did since Dean's return was graduate high school, and even then that was more because he had to.

It didn't feel right to go on with his life without his best friend there, and he was, for awhile, at least, content with letting it go by without him.

_"Why would it be so terrible to go out with me?" Gabriel asks from his spot lounging out on Sam's couch. "I'm not thaaaaat bad of a date, Sammy."_

_Sam glares up at the older boy from his spot on the floor and closes his book loudly, trying to get the point across that Gabriel is rudely interrupting him when he's trying to get his schoolwork done, and sighs. "You're loud, obnoxious, annoying, and you give me a headache every time Dean even mentions you. I want nothing to do with you in that way."_

_"Yeah?" Gabriel counters, sitting up on the couch and grinning down at Sam. "But I also know how to show you a good time. And don't give me that look, that's not what I mean. I mean an actual good time. Just give me one chance, Sam. Go out with me this weekend, and if you still feel like you're repulsed by me, then I'll leave you alone. But don't knock me until you try me."_

_Sam resists the urge to groan and looks up at the boy with a pained look on his face. "I'll think about it."_

~~~

_Gabriel is waiting on him outside at 7:00 on Saturday night, his hair slicked back and wearing a nicer button down shirt with dress pants. Needless to say, when Sam opens the door, he's shocked. Sam himself is dressed in a pair of his nicer jeans and one of his darker blue school shirts, not thinking that Gabriel would have done this much. "Well, I feel a bit under dressed," Sam mutters, feeling a little bit embarrassed._

_Gabriel chuckles to himself and waves off Sam's words, hooking his arm though the other boy's and leading him down the walkway and over to his beat up 1953 Volkswagen beetle. Sam resists the urge to laugh and slides into the passenger seat. "Where're you planning on taking us?"_

_Gabriel smiles over at him and shrugs his shoulders, not wanting to give anything away. "You'll see,"_

_They end up at one of Sam's favorite haunts - the local bookstore. Gabriel has a list of some of the worst books written that year (so far) and the two spend the first half of the evening flipping around to random pages and reading them out loud and dramatically. Then they go out for ice cream sundaes - another one of Sam's favorites._

_It's some of the most fun Sam's had in a long, long time, and as soon as Gabriel pulls back into his driveway, Sam knows he's screwed._

_"Go on, say it."_

_Sam sighs and turns to the other boy, his expression just as pained as it was the other day. "I had fun, and you're actually not terrible."_

_A face-splitting grin lights up Gabriel's face and he claps Sam on the shoulder in victory. "I knew you'd change your mind about me, Sammy! It just took a little bit of convincing. Now, what do you say we do this again next weekend?"_

_Sam nods his head and agrees without any hesitation. They continue this way for the next 4 weekends in a row, before Gabriel actually takes Sam on a classier date, which takes Sam even more by surprise._

_~~~~_

_After their first "I love yous" are out of the way and they both know they're really serious about their relationship, Sam and Gabriel start making plans about building a future together. Gabriel insists that Sam follow his dream and go to Stanford after he graduates, and the two of them will get an apartment just off campus and live there until he's finished. Then they will put Sam through whatever other schools he needs until he's a licensed lawyer, they'll move, and Sam can start his own firm wherever they decide to settle down._

_It's something that Sam holds onto every day while Gabriel is gone, and when he dies, the dream goes right along with him._

* * *

"Sam," Dean said one evening as the three of them were sitting down to dinner. "Sam, this has to stop."

Sam knew what his brother was talking about before he even said anything, and turned his eyes down to his plate, hoping to zone himself out enough with his food that he wouldn't even hear him.

"You're not throwing your life away because of him, Sammy. You need to get yourself back on track and go to college. Do you really think Gabriel would want you to just give up on everything because he's dead? Of course he wouldn't! You're doing anybody any favors by sitting here and letting your life pass you by, Sam. It's time to get back up on the horse and move on."

Sam said nothing to his brother while he ate and after making sure the dishes were washed and put away, went to his room for the rest of the night.

Dean was starting to get insanely fed up with his brother wallowing in this forever because he knew that Gabriel wouldn't want Sam to do this to himself, and he told Castiel as much when they were getting ready for bed that night.

Hearing what Dean had to say brought forth a memory in Castiel's mind, and after making sure Dean was asleep, the younger Novak crawled out of bed and started to rummage through his things. After finding the letter he wanted, he slipped out of the room and laid it on the table for Sam to find the next morning. He only hoped that this would be the push Sam needed to get back on track.

~~~~~

The next morning, Sam really did not want to get out of bed. His dreams were filled with memories of Gabriel, times that were important to the two of them, and how things would have played out, had the older man come back alive. He wanted to stay in that dreamland forever, it was so much nicer than reality.

Still, he had things he needed to get done, so he got up, got dressed, and padded out to the kitchen to make himself something to eat. That was when he noticed the letter sitting there, the familiar handwriting almost making his heart stop.

Sam picked it up, his hands shaking as he went to open it, and extracted the note inside. He sat down at the table and worked to smooth out the creases a little before reading some of the last words Gabriel wrote to him.

**Sam, if you're having to read this letter, I'm really disappointed in what you've let your life become. I'm writing this along with my other 'last words' just in case you decide to let my death effect your life so much that you stop living. That's not what I want for you, Sam. You know that. Come on, kiddo! You're supposed to be the big college grad by now! You're supposed to be making me proud and doing all the shit we said we were going to do in my memory! The guys over here think I'm a goddamn liar and they're refusing to join your fan club until you start doing things. Don't make a liar out of me, Sam. Get your life back together. Go to college. Get a job. Marry a nice girl and have a couple of kids! Or find another nice guy and live with him, I don't care, just do something!**

**If it was at all possible for me to, I'd be there kicking you in the ass for this, kiddo. You have so much potential to do good, Sam, and the fact that you've allowed yourself to give that up because of me is sickening. Go out there and change the world, Sam. If not for yourself, do it for me and my memory.**

**As I said before, I really hope these aren't letters you're having to read, but if so, then once again, I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you and not being there to see you grow up. You're still as handsome as ever, though. Get on with your life, though. It's time to stop living in the past and being hung up over my dead ass. There isn't anything here for you anymore except heartache, kiddo.**

**I love you, Sam. I love you, and I don't want you to give up your life. It's not too late to turn it around and get yourself together. Make me proud, Sam. Give me something really good to brag about.**

**Yours forever, Gabriel.**

Sam put the letter down and folded it back up before the tears pooling in his eyes clouded his vision to the point where he couldn't see, and took a shaky breath. He took the letter and put it in the box with Gabriel's things, the one that had the other one and all of his boyfriend's other stuff in it, and decided it was time to move on with his life. 

* * *

The following autumn Sam enrolled himself in Stanford and was well on his way to becoming the lawyer that he and Gabriel both wanted him to be. There was a couple pictures up in his dorm of the two of them, and Gabriel's medals and his flag were packed up in his room. He was still working on the 'moving on' part of his life, but he was working on it. He actually had a date with a nice girl named Jessica that weekend, and he knew just from the moment he met her that Gabriel would have liked her.

The records and everything else of Gabriel's were packed up in a new box in Sam's closet, the letters in his dresser where he could look at them if he needed a little bit of encouragement to get up in the mornings, and for the first time in a long time, Sam was proud of himself. He was making a new life for himself, and it was actually looking pretty damn good. Sam knew he would never forget Gabriel, and he didn't want to. That was a part of his life that made him happier than anything else, but he wasn't going to let his death hold him back from life anymore. Neither of them wanted that for him. He still made trips out to see Gabriel's grave whenever he could, and sometimes, Sam could have sworn that he could feel Gabriel smiling down at him.


End file.
